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Today, while at work, I felt the ol’ stomach growling, so I headed to the local Subway. There, I found myself behind a gentleman whom I believe to be the ONLY person who had not yet been to Subway. 

First Step: The Brizzead (Bread)

The question, “6 inch or footlong?” hit this guy like a word search puzzle hits someone suffering from dyslexia. His visit became an event in my eyes, and I found it to be worth describing.

So after fully deciphering the extremely difficult question regarding sandwich size, came the follow up: “What type of bread?” It wasn’t until then that I noticed Subway carries, what, five or six types of bread..? This is when I knew I was in it for the long haul.  He finally decided on white bread, after about 3 minutes of mulling over his options. Keep in mind, 3 minutes in a Subway line is equivalent to 24 minutes real time.

Next Step: Type of Sandwich

.Oh God, no. You mean he has ALL these choices? Why didn’t I go to the other Subway, right around the corner? All of these thoughts came flooding in as I stood there in a back and forth struggle to construct the perfect mid-day sandwich. While Joe, the Subway virgin, couldn’t make up his mind between the meatball or the chicken Parmesan, one thing was for sure; Joe was in the mood for an Italian sub. You might ask, how do I know his name is Joe? Let me tell you, he took the time to introduce himself to me in between the bread and meat portion of the Subway line. Critical decision making time, pissed away telling me his predictable name. While I appreciate the friendly gesture, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, JOE!

Joe decided on the …drumroll please…Chicken Parm sub. A classic flavor; the marinara, the warm bread, the pepperjack cheese…wait, huh? Yeah, Joe decided to go ape shit on his toppings for this sub. This is one of those subs that I consider most of the toppings to be a given. Never heard anyone ask for pepperjack cheese, banana peppers, spinach leaves, and a scoop of tuna on a Chicken Parmesan sub. By now, I had almost forgotten I was ordering a sandwich because of this whole movie unfolding in front of me.

Final Scene: The Payment

Subway Employee: That will be [instert price here], sir

Joe: Wait, how much?

Subway Employee repeats price

Joe: Nah, wait… that says $2.99 up there

Subway Employee: I’m sorry, that is for breakfast.

Joe: Well I am not paying that for THIS

(Joe points at sandwich as if it was confirmed to have herpes)

Exit Joe


After all this time, Joe left unhappy and sandwichless. Furthermore, he had constructed such a terrible sandwich, that even if the employees could eat a sandwich left like that (which I’m sure they can’t), who would want that? I decided he was victim of inception, and someone who dislikes him went inside his mind and convinced him that he thought a TunaChickenParm sub was tasty…and that the idea was all his own.


That coulda been you, Joe

*To be noted, my sandwich was delicious and I still have half at home waiting for me. Can’t wait. Come on 5 o’clock!