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Waking up today felt different than it has for quite some time. I would be lying if I said I felt “refreshed”, but I definitely did not feel like a literal or metaphorical sack of shit…that is always a plus. I did not get to sleep at a decent time, but I was able to set my alarm for 9:00 this morning. I was also able to hit the snooze button about 4 times after that. Bless you, snooze button.

I didn’t have time to make any breakfast, so I had a quick shake just to avoid wanting to kill myself by 10:30 a.m. I recently moved to an apartment about 5 minutes from my work, so mornings are now amazing. I had a 40 minute drive to work before. For those of you at home keeping score: 40min is WAY more than 5min. Pulling in to work, I noticed a crowd of about 10 people outside smoking and talking. This 10 person group, in MY HEAD, is this group of judgemental, in-shape, fashionistas, just waiting to critique someone as they walk into work. Waiting to judge the awkward walk and disposition of a fellow co-worker. Waiting to guess what sort of horribly unhealthy meal this person walking in must have had the night before, based solely off the snug fit of their Haggar slacks. These are, of course, all of my own perceptions of myself, just projected in that way.

Keep in mind, this is just how I imagined this group of people to be. This group may have really been a group of three people, each of them 300 pounds and eating a Jumbo Jack with cheese whilst smoking…I would not have seen that. It could be 12:30am and I will avoid going to Wal-Mart because that same group must be shopping there after midnight. That is rational, right? Man, oh man.

So…after 10 minutes of sitting in my car, thus making myself late, I strolled in to work. I had to call a friend beforehand, so that I could be on the phone while walking in, distracted from my surroundings. She was my communicative escort to my cubicle, so thanks.

Hopefully writing about the most irrational, abnormal moments I have throughout my days dealing with anxiety (amongst other things) will help me get past it. Easier said than done, but maybe some people out there can relate or, if nothing else, get some enjoyment from it. Well, lunch time… “Wasabi & Soy Sauce” flavored almonds, what what whaaat?

Understanding who you are is the first step in becoming a better individual. The word “better” is relative, but that is perfect. We are talking about being an “individual” anyways.

One cannot simply be upset or self deprecating once they perceive they have failed in any way. Personally, I have struggled with alcohol addiction, and there is nothing worse than having one bad night, drinking, and then spending over a week reminding yourself of your failure of will.

Knowing that you are human, and that you will make mistakes seems so elementary, but it’s not.  Then again, knowing it is one thing; acknowledging it is something completely different.

I have made plenty of mistakes and continue to daily. Those choices of action, which BECAME mistakes, also became lessons. Lessons one can either learn and better oneself from, or a lesson that goes noticed but disregarded. We all have thousands of decisions to make daily. Every second we are making hundreds of seemingly unimportant decisions. It is ok to misinterpret at times, and make a wrong decision. It is less about your error and more about your recovery.

I am the furthest thing from perfect, but I am working at it. “Perfect”… Another relative term. Live for your own perfection. Individualize perfection. Once you are your own amazing you, share yourself with those around you. Never limit yourself. I am working on these things…

Today was rough. It’s not easy to forget people, and it’s even tougher to deal with being forgotten. Ego thing? Perhaps.

The day itself went OK. Stayed busy and got reacquainted with an old friend which was great.

I will no longer settle for average. I will no longer be predictable. I am the only me, and I only have so much time, so I will make the most of it. Time to excel. Fuck you for jumping ship early. Now, I’ll be something.