I’m at an odd point in my life. 26, soon to be 27, with almost nothing to my name, and an endless amount of dreams left unfulfilled. I have found that the hardest part of achieving my goals has been determining what my goals truly are. I made the mistake of becoming a sort of social chameleon, shifting and adjusting to fit the social agenda at any given time or place. This has left me without a true understanding of who I am or what I want. I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t scare the living shit out of me. I’m on this internal quest to answer those questions, but the answers seem to hide ever so cleverly each and every time I start searching. The answers disguise themselves in the shape of pills, or fill countless bottles you won’t find in any dry counties. As if my personality ventured into the Bermuda triangle…never to be seen or heard from again. This is a solo mission that I hope turns out successfully. I’m certainly optimistic, but still carry doubt with each and every move. Time to take the plunge and risk it all. Here goes nothing…

After a picture perfect, 85 degree, cloudless Saturday, what does Easter Sunday have to offer? You guessed it…rain. There is something extremely calming about waking up to the sound of a light drizzle on the roof and nearby pavement. Don’t get me wrong; I am just as much of a fan of the sun as the next summer-junkie, but let’s be honest, it is almost like a free pass to be as lazy as you would like. Rainy days not only bring out the umbrellas, but also bring out statements like, “I don’t know…something about this weather just makes me want to lie around all day.” Something about my personality makes me want to lay around all day; the rainy weather is just an excellent facilitator.

Being California born and bred, I am still yet to fully adjust to the type of weather we experience out here in Texas. I was very, VERY content with only seeing tornadoes in movies like “Twister“. Last Tuesday, while at work, we had a crazy day in terms of weather. It was all over the Yahoo homepage and many news stations on TV: Major tornadoes touching down in the Dallas/Fortworth area. We heard reports that Arlington, TX had been declared a “state of emergency” right around the noon hour on Tuesday, and the storms were not done yet. I was on my way home for my lunch break, when all of a sudden the radio switched to the Emergency Broadcast. Something about the eerie, almost metallic sounding beep, just gave me goosebumps in an instant. “If you are outside, take shelter immediately.” That is all I needed to hear. Not knowing what to do, and being about an hour away from family, I turned right back around and went to the office. While hyperventilating against a wall at work, I could hear people joking about the severity of the storm. Then someone said, “The tornado is headed right for us!” As expected, the jokes subsided at that point. Even though the tornado did not come ripping through the building, lift me off my feet and hurl me 120 feet into a tree, I imagined that scenario vividly enough for it to seem real. Here is a photo of just how close it was to our work. Uhhh, right across the street? Yep.

Nobody was hurt, but the hail took out PLENTY of windshields in the parking lot. Just glad everybody was safe. Now I am sitting here, listening to thunder with a little less worry. Perhaps I have rounded the corner, and am now officially Texas weather-ready. I mean hell, I am basically Bill Paxton now, surviving tornadoes and shit. All I need now is my Helen Hunt…sigh (haha).

Today, while at work, I felt the ol’ stomach growling, so I headed to the local Subway. There, I found myself behind a gentleman whom I believe to be the ONLY person who had not yet been to Subway. 

First Step: The Brizzead (Bread)

The question, “6 inch or footlong?” hit this guy like a word search puzzle hits someone suffering from dyslexia. His visit became an event in my eyes, and I found it to be worth describing.

So after fully deciphering the extremely difficult question regarding sandwich size, came the follow up: “What type of bread?” It wasn’t until then that I noticed Subway carries, what, five or six types of bread..? This is when I knew I was in it for the long haul.  He finally decided on white bread, after about 3 minutes of mulling over his options. Keep in mind, 3 minutes in a Subway line is equivalent to 24 minutes real time.

Next Step: Type of Sandwich

.Oh God, no. You mean he has ALL these choices? Why didn’t I go to the other Subway, right around the corner? All of these thoughts came flooding in as I stood there in a back and forth struggle to construct the perfect mid-day sandwich. While Joe, the Subway virgin, couldn’t make up his mind between the meatball or the chicken Parmesan, one thing was for sure; Joe was in the mood for an Italian sub. You might ask, how do I know his name is Joe? Let me tell you, he took the time to introduce himself to me in between the bread and meat portion of the Subway line. Critical decision making time, pissed away telling me his predictable name. While I appreciate the friendly gesture, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, JOE!

Joe decided on the …drumroll please…Chicken Parm sub. A classic flavor; the marinara, the warm bread, the pepperjack cheese…wait, huh? Yeah, Joe decided to go ape shit on his toppings for this sub. This is one of those subs that I consider most of the toppings to be a given. Never heard anyone ask for pepperjack cheese, banana peppers, spinach leaves, and a scoop of tuna on a Chicken Parmesan sub. By now, I had almost forgotten I was ordering a sandwich because of this whole movie unfolding in front of me.

Final Scene: The Payment

Subway Employee: That will be [instert price here], sir

Joe: Wait, how much?

Subway Employee repeats price

Joe: Nah, wait… that says $2.99 up there

Subway Employee: I’m sorry, that is for breakfast.

Joe: Well I am not paying that for THIS

(Joe points at sandwich as if it was confirmed to have herpes)

-Exit Joe

 

After all this time, Joe left unhappy and sandwichless. Furthermore, he had constructed such a terrible sandwich, that even if the employees could eat a sandwich left like that (which I’m sure they can’t), who would want that? I decided he was victim of inception, and someone who dislikes him went inside his mind and convinced him that he thought a TunaChickenParm sub was tasty…and that the idea was all his own.

TUNACHICKENPARMESANCEPTION

That coulda been you, Joe

*To be noted, my sandwich was delicious and I still have half at home waiting for me. Can’t wait. Come on 5 o’clock!

Waking up today felt different than it has for quite some time. I would be lying if I said I felt “refreshed”, but I definitely did not feel like a literal or metaphorical sack of shit…that is always a plus. I did not get to sleep at a decent time, but I was able to set my alarm for 9:00 this morning. I was also able to hit the snooze button about 4 times after that. Bless you, snooze button.

I didn’t have time to make any breakfast, so I had a quick shake just to avoid wanting to kill myself by 10:30 a.m. I recently moved to an apartment about 5 minutes from my work, so mornings are now amazing. I had a 40 minute drive to work before. For those of you at home keeping score: 40min is WAY more than 5min. Pulling in to work, I noticed a crowd of about 10 people outside smoking and talking. This 10 person group, in MY HEAD, is this group of judgemental, in-shape, fashionistas, just waiting to critique someone as they walk into work. Waiting to judge the awkward walk and disposition of a fellow co-worker. Waiting to guess what sort of horribly unhealthy meal this person walking in must have had the night before, based solely off the snug fit of their Haggar slacks. These are, of course, all of my own perceptions of myself, just projected in that way.

Keep in mind, this is just how I imagined this group of people to be. This group may have really been a group of three people, each of them 300 pounds and eating a Jumbo Jack with cheese whilst smoking…I would not have seen that. It could be 12:30am and I will avoid going to Wal-Mart because that same group must be shopping there after midnight. That is rational, right? Man, oh man.

So…after 10 minutes of sitting in my car, thus making myself late, I strolled in to work. I had to call a friend beforehand, so that I could be on the phone while walking in, distracted from my surroundings. She was my communicative escort to my cubicle, so thanks.

Hopefully writing about the most irrational, abnormal moments I have throughout my days dealing with anxiety (amongst other things) will help me get past it. Easier said than done, but maybe some people out there can relate or, if nothing else, get some enjoyment from it. Well, lunch time… “Wasabi & Soy Sauce” flavored almonds, what what whaaat?

Understanding who you are is the first step in becoming a better individual. The word “better” is relative, but that is perfect. We are talking about being an “individual” anyways.

One cannot simply be upset or self deprecating once they perceive they have failed in any way. Personally, I have struggled with alcohol addiction, and there is nothing worse than having one bad night, drinking, and then spending over a week reminding yourself of your failure of will.

Knowing that you are human, and that you will make mistakes seems so elementary, but it’s not.  Then again, knowing it is one thing; acknowledging it is something completely different.

I have made plenty of mistakes and continue to daily. Those choices of action, which BECAME mistakes, also became lessons. Lessons one can either learn and better oneself from, or a lesson that goes noticed but disregarded. We all have thousands of decisions to make daily. Every second we are making hundreds of seemingly unimportant decisions. It is ok to misinterpret at times, and make a wrong decision. It is less about your error and more about your recovery.

I am the furthest thing from perfect, but I am working at it. “Perfect”… Another relative term. Live for your own perfection. Individualize perfection. Once you are your own amazing you, share yourself with those around you. Never limit yourself. I am working on these things…

Today was rough. It’s not easy to forget people, and it’s even tougher to deal with being forgotten. Ego thing? Perhaps.

The day itself went OK. Stayed busy and got reacquainted with an old friend which was great.

I will no longer settle for average. I will no longer be predictable. I am the only me, and I only have so much time, so I will make the most of it. Time to excel. Fuck you for jumping ship early. Now, I’ll be something.

It’s a new year which means one thing, and one thing only: I will write “2011″ on things until about March and get pissed every time that I do.

I spent most of the weekend at home, which is exactly what I wanted to do. Of course, watching the ball drop in Times Square always makes me think, “Boy, I wish I were there”. However, when I look at my bed, in my own room, I am usually OK with my decision to not fly across the country.

As I strolled right into 2012, I had a couple of things in mind. I don’t want to say “New Year’s resolutions”, because that just seems too cliche; but I did have some goals, if you will, that I hoped to achieve:

  • First and foremost, I have made it a goal of mine to slow down the alcohol consumption tremendously. For those of you who don’t know (in other words, all of you), I have been battling this “need” to drink for quite some time now. I will be doing my best to limit, and eventually (hopefully) eliminate alcohol altogether.
  • Next, I vowed to myself to get back on track with exercise. 2011 was definitely up and down; extreme highs and extreme lows. The bad this is the highs were mostly in calorie count and the lows referring to daily exercise time.

That is really about it. Seems pretty simple. I am going to look into adding some mind/time-consuming hobbies into the mix as well. It was suggested I try model cars or something like that. I like that idea, because drinking and dealing with tiny pieces of (insert model car material used here) and trying to paint doesn’t sound nearly as easy as drinking and sitting/watching tv. We’ll see how that goes.

With allllll of that being said, today, Tuesday January 3, 2011…I am hungover. I know, right? Working on it. Aside from that, I have this insane craving for Chinese food and physical immobility.

 

Trying to avoid both of those things. Damn you laziness, why are you sooo much easier than being active?

Here’s to a productive 2012.

What do you need to start a blog?

I guess personality would help. Then again, I don’t know if someone with multiple personalities would necessarily excel at “blogging”. Maybe they would. Do I just ramble on here a bit? If so, I am doing a good job.

Well, I guess I could start with a little about myself. I will try and be as true and honest with my assessment as possible. I’m 24 years old and I live in the great state of Texas. I moved here from California when I was 19, and have been looking for a way out ever since. Lazily looking, but still looking. I have a job as a mortgage loan officer and I sit in a cubicle as life goes on outside. On the scale of depressing places to work, I’d say its somewhere between Wal-Mart and a high school cafeteria*. That is a good enough breakdown for now, as the rest of me will be revealed as I go.

With that being said… Hello, world.

* – No offense to employees of said places.

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